Are We Entitled to Forgiveness?

Forgiveness. What is it? What does it mean? I have heard it sets you free, relieves you, or allows you to move on. All of this would sound wonderful if we lived in a fairytale and linear world. Trauma, no matter how small, effects people greatly and can take a long time to heal from. Because of this, other people’s entitlement towards forgiveness is one of my biggest pet peeves.

I have always been told that I hold grudges. This may be absolutely true, but in my mind, they are usually justified. I usually refrain from forgiving people that have harmed me until I truly feel contempt towards them or the situation at hand. This is because it feels unnatural to pretend like the events I dealt with are no longer affecting me physically, emotionally, or mentally.

For a long time, I believed forgiveness didn’t really exist. I noticed that when I was pressured to forgive others, I began to hate the concept of forgiveness. I always believed forgiveness was a gift that you give to others when you have finally healed. Unfortunately, many people believe forgiveness is meant to be the first step to acceptance. This couldn’t be any further from the truth.

As we have all heard before, there are 5 steps of grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression and then 5. Acceptance. Knowing this process, I believe that to pressure a victim into forgiveness is torture. Some would say this is extreme, but in order for victims to heal properly they should focus on themselves rather than their perpetrator.

I also think the idea that forgiveness will set you free is untrue. This is because when bad things happen to us, they have consequences. Believing because you are above someone or a situation, so forgiveness essentially takes away what you experienced negatively is avoidance to me. Human beings should be allowed to experience anger. We should be allowed to express our hurt because it unfair to put the burden of emotional healing onto the victim.

When I speak of this phenomenon, I am speaking broadly. Whether its forgiveness between two loved ones or systematic injustice, the victim should be allowed to be selfish when healing. I feel the way we think perpetrators are entitled to forgiveness is a larger reflection of how we feel towards marginalized people.

I have seen many conversations surrounding race, gender, sexuality etc. that revolve around these groups forgiving their oppressors. As a black kid growing up in America, all I ever saw was how slavery happened centuries ago and how we should just let it go. At first, I thought “yeah!” because I was an African immigrant that didn’t know the nuances of the conversations surrounding race in America. As I kept living in this country, I quickly learned that slavery was still alive and well to this day just in a different form called prison labor.

With the Times Up campaign, I noticed many people doing this to rape and sexual assault victims as well. As soon as financial compensation for trauma was brought up, many people would ask why. If they were truly raped, wouldn’t they want x, y, z instead of money? To me this question is very disingenuous. Rape is a very traumatizing thing to go through and in order to get past it victims need to spend in order to afford their therapists, health providers, and any other of health care in order to heal. Also, if we took rape or sexual assault seriously, financially debilitating the perpetrators would show others the repercussions of these actions.

All of these observations have shaped my views on forgiveness. I truly believe it is possible to forgive others as I have before myself, but I refuse to believe forgiving others is something that happens naturally and easily. I also believe forgiveness varies from individual to individual, for what it truly means. For some, forgiveness truly comes easily but for others it a series of hurt and anguish.